Duvet and mattress, porcelain loo -
Are absent from Greenbelt and its campers, who
Make do without, all weekend long.
They shiver by night, and by day: pong.

My tenth year attending was worth my while -
Jude Simpson’s wit made my face smile.
Milton Jones – the one-liner King.
Dave Walker’s scribbling kept me giggling.

Roger McGough – a poetry machine;
He once helped to write: Yellow Submarine!
That beat-boxing Shlomo, the epitome of cool.
Rev Gerald A. boldly broke every rule.

Remember from Blue Peter, Simon Thomas?
His main stage compering was fab, I promise.
Went with my hubbie to a ‘talk’ in Bethlehem:
“Affluenza’s what we’ve got!” declared Oliver James.

Zic Zazou – very… French – noisy too.
Beer and Hymns (overheard from nearby queue).
Free tea from Speakers’ Lounge – totally fantastic.
First visit to Blue Nun – four quid for wine in a cup of plastic!

Fried potato, wine gravy… sausage perched on top.
I tend to scoff this every year – I like it quite a lot.
But now it’s all over – Greenbelt ‘adieu’.
Back to duvet and mattress, porcelain loo.

 

Last year my GB poem won me a box of pies through the post!
As you can see, this year I’m expecting signed photos/t-shirts/CDs/books/all-inclusive holidays, etc, from all the ’stars’ that are named.
I’ve briefed the postman that his job will become that bit more demanding over the next couple of weeks. It’s just a matter of waiting now.

Some info/pics re my previous talks at GB here.

My GB 2010 pics here.

An ‘official’ GB pic of me here (typical – the photographer came to our talk, took lots of pics, and this is the one they choose… of me freaking out as Peter had just decided that it would be a clever idea to kiss me for a photo, which made me go bright red, naturally)!

See HERE for an article I recently had published in the Christian Writer, re the intricate relationship between book marketing and cake…!

If you’re a Christian writer in the UK, consider joining the Association of Christian Writers.

No. Not me.
I’m only 35.
Suspect one needs to be at least 40 before feeling the need to be fully revised and updated.
Ought to find out how long this will take and how much it will cost, so I can be fully prepared when the time comes…

… but in the mean time, my ‘Study Guides’ for Dear Bob have recently had a revamp.
I first wrote them in 2003 (the year Dear Bob was published). It was when I spotted a reference to Gareth Gates that my concerns were first alerted.
Would any teenager/student know who he is nowadays? Answers on a Gareth-Gates-shaped postcard, please.

So, they’ve now been decorated with contemporary references and suchlike, and are available for your use should you wish, for a tenner.
No, only kidding… for zero pennies!

Suitable for any school/uni CU or Church youth group, age 14+

There are 3 studies, focusing on issues raised by Dear Bob:

Independence Day (Leaving Home)
Singleton City (Being Single)
God Who? (Doubting God)

It’s not essential that your group have read Dear Bob before embarking on one of these studies.
Honest!

It makes me smile to still be reading reviews of Dear Bob, seeing as it was published back in year of…
(…. just googled ‘2003′ to see what events of mind-boggling importance occurred in that year… turns out: not a lot, apart from Dear Bob being published, naturally).

Here’s a recent one from Woman Alive (national monthly printed magazine aimed at Christian women, read by more than 30,000 women each month… and perhaps by men in tune with their feminine side!)

READ IT HERE !

(you may need to summon the powers of ‘zoom in’ to read the review in question!)

I’ve just started a Dear Bob ‘page’ on facebook… if you’re on facebook, I’d be honoured if you’d consider stopping by and making yourself a ‘fan’ !

PLEASE don’t think that I think that I can write poetry, as I’ve barely ever written any and it’s really not my thing.

But, was dead chuffed that someone has been able to use my ‘Burn’s Night’ poem (reply from the Lassies)…!

I had this comment on this blog just the other day:

Hello,
Just a line to thank you for putting your ‘Reply from the Lassies’ on-line. I was asked to do it for our Burns Night and was so relieved to find it! I changed it to make it relevant to us—
Once again thanks—you saved me hours of effort
Elsie Smith

and then this one:
thank GOD you posted this… it is the only useful reply from the lassies i could find anywhere. will happily plagerise parts if you don’t mind
from someone else.

Which now means that of the 2 poems I’ve ever written (well, since primary school)… one was rewarded with a box of pies (hurrah!) and the other was ‘used’ by at least 2 ‘lassies’ at a Burns Night. It’s nice to feel useful!

Don’t worry – have no plans to inflict any more ‘poetry’ on the world… at least, not until I’ve run out of pies…!

Yes, my writing career has reached the giddy heights of being… paid in pies. For some writing. A poem, in fact. A pie poem I posted on this blog after tasting some rather heavenly pies at Greenbelt this summer, here.

The pieminister people found it, put it in their winter newsletter and paid me by sending a box of their fine pies (worth about fifty quid!).

Poetry isn’t really my thing (which you’ll be nodding your head in agreement with if you’ve read the poem in question!) but now I’ve been paid for a poem, even paid in pies, I am going to consider myself a professional poet (as surely when one is paid for their craft they can be considered a professional?!).

Have jested with hubbie that although he may be the primary breadwinner of our family… I am now the pie-winner.
(It’s such rib-tickling humour that keeps our marriage alive, I’m sure.)

So, I’m a poet. A pie poet. A pie-ate.
Anyway, the aforementioned pies are now napping in my freezer, waiting to be re-awakened on some future occasion (xmas day breakie perhaps?).
Yum scrum.

Delivery of box of pies piccies here.

My local Wetherspoons asked me to be their ‘guest local author’ at their very first Book Group! They offered free tea and coffee to all who attended and even handed round choccie biccies… yum yum!
It all went OK. We went round saying what book we were reading at the moment and what we thought of it. I just about managed to answer questions about Dear Bob (1st novel)… it was 6 years ago it was published, so had a quick skim through it before I left the house to refresh my memory! One man had written a novel and wanted advice about how to go about getting it published; it was nice to feel useful!
An old school friend of mine saw my message about the event on facebook and decided to come… we hadn’t seen each other in 19 years, so that was fab.
Dear Bob was distributed to all present, the plan being that they read it before next month’s group, then come back and discuss it. I said they were welcome to say anything negative about it they wanted, as long as they bought me a large glass of white wine first, so I could drown my sorrows. Hope no one thought I was joking!

It was well-advertised in the local press
And a good follow-up piece here
and here

Greenbelt Ministry

I was ministered to at Greenbelt.
In an unexpected way
I had to queue to get it
Ye highlight of my day

My fellow queuers clearly
Had received such love before
It was painted on their faces;
Eager, smiling… wanting more

I knew I’d made the perfect choice
Joined this queue – this one alone
My happy fate approacheth
Secret fantasies finally known.

Heidi was my pie of choice
Goats cheese and potato sweet
(Pretentious and middle class)
Though Moo and Blue looked fab to eat

And how I loved the taste
Of the pretentious middle-class
It hugged my soul so very tight
My expectations were surpassed.

Lo, the pie was not alone
Yet adorned with a dollop of mash
Not as grim as at school meals
Miles advanced of that trash

To make it even more divine
Gravy was poured on top
Though they had named it ‘groovy’
How very quaint is this shop?

There were no lies abounding
Groovy was at the core
‘Tis why I gave up six pounds fifty
And considered coming back for more

Heidi was now my one true love
(Hubby could have cause for concern
But then he’s never had a Heidi
Not as far as I’ve known)

The pies that they were out of
Were blessed with a little note
‘Gone to pie heaven’
A very groovy quote

It seems they’re Made in Banksy-land
Rather than Hong Kong
Formerly known as Bristol
Where queues are just as long

At the Belt that’s made of Green
A queue is so the norm
If Brits are fairly into queues
It’s for what Greenbelter’s are born

We queue to get in on day one
For talks and music too
We stand and wait, then waiteth some more
We even queue to poo

So if they tried to sell their pies
In lands far far from here
Would people queue up orderly?
Would anarchy appear?

A tiny prick of tears is formed
When one is forced to think
Of worried pies, of Heidi’s cries
With anarchy on the brink

When my body’s all queued out
And numbered are my days
Pie Heaven’s where I’m destined
My ticket is One Way

pieminister (the pie shop’s name)
Will dominate the place
Pies will be free; queues will be gone
Pie smiles on every face

They’ll be no tears nor pain nor fear
Due to pies for all the hours
Clouds made from mash will float on by
And rain down groovy showers

The Lord of the Pies will sort me out
Heidi greet me at the Pie-ly Gate
I will scoff and not grow weary
Munch pies, and not be faint

—————————————————

Please note, this poem is not sponsored by pieminister, and I live at least an hour away from Bristol.
Feel free to view my GB piccies here

Went to a tartan-tastic Burns Night – our 1st one ever!
My job was to do the ‘Reply from the Lassies’ speech, and here is what I came up with.
Writing and delivering it turned out to be less stressful than working out what to wear (ended up buying a strip of tartan material and making a sort of sash thing, which makes me sound like an accomplished seamstress, which is a lie as I used the iron-on hemming stuff that i use for the kids school trouser hems!)

Reply from the lassies

Please let me start with some info.
About my little… ‘reply’
So you know how things will go
And there won’t be an outcry

I lay all blame upon a man
Rarely is a woman to blame
He emailed to ask if I would oblige:
Colin is his name

I would be honoured, so it read
If you would do, the ‘Reply’
On behalf of the Lassies, so he said
So casual, by the by.

Thus, I swiftly emailed back
To say that would be fine
It’s a shame that I had no idea
Of the stress that would soon be mine

I’d thought this speech was something quick
that I could find online
And print off, just before I came
And read out, at this time.

Yet only a few days ago
To Mr Google I turned
He told me I had to write my own
None was supplied by Mr Burns

The ‘reply’ required a lot of thought
The speech was to be new each time
It wasn’t something he churned out
Not one of his five hundred and fifty-nine

Yikes, I cried – this isn’t right
This is an awful affair
Have they any idea how long it took
Just To work out what to wear?

And glancing back at that email
T’was with horror that I saw
That grace and charm and wit were required
Don’t you know me but at all?

When times are dark, and things are hard
T’is my hubby whom is my light
Help I yelled – I cannot cope
Ha! He said – now shut up and write.

I’d wondered if his Scottish roots
Would prompt him to assist
It turns out that his being an eighth of a Scot
Meant I was merely dismissed

But so I bravely battled on
Back to Google I turned
My ever present buddy in life
So much from him I have learned.

Reveal, he did, ‘Replies’ of lassies
From Burns nights of the past
Please picture the horror on my face
On reading: 15 minutes it should last.

Don’t panic tho, I quickly thought
That this I’d just dismiss
Fifteen minutes of me, I fear
Is surely not your idea of bliss

And furthermore it was revealed
I had to show men up as fools
Whilst also referring to Rob himself
Tell me – who makes up these rules?

And what to say to show men up
To make them sound less wise?
A man can be a useful thing
No woman will deny…s

They work so hard from dawn to dusk
And still put dinner on the table
And sort the kids and clean the house
Oh… whoops – that’s us lassies that are so able.

But men are… they can help round the house.
When from the TV they’re dragged
And they… can be good company
They’re handy… if you need a good nag.

OK, ok, it’s said in jest
I think men quite alright
Despite conning me into doing this
Or laughing at my plight

And as for Burns that famous Scot
A real one, not just in part
T’was two hundred n fifty years ago he was born (tomorrow)
And a bit later, he did depart

The bit in the middle, it seems to consist
Of flirting and being a tart
But he sought out some time to write lots a stuff down
Which now is considered pure art.

Well, my poem is done; it turned out to be fun
My panic was clearly in vain
But just so I’m clear, if you have one next year,
Please don’t make me do it again

So thanks to you Rich, your speech was quite fab
You were so very frank
On behalf of all the lassies here
I’d like to extend our thanks

piccies of the evening can be viewed here, if you’re interested!

yes, it’s official… i am a wealthy novelist!

got a statement in the post yesterday, informing me that the PLR (public lending rights) people have just given me a sum of money. Every time someone takes one of my books out of the library, i get a (teeny) sum of money. they add them all up during the year and then treat you with it!

£4:25.

yeah, baby!!!

never let it be said that i’m not fully contributing to the family finances. hubbie’s got stiff competition now… might have to start working longer hours to keep up with me!

SU are selling my books, which are normally £6:99, for a mere £2:99!
see here

should i be happy about this or not? does it mean they are so fed up with having stock lying around that they want to get rid of them? or should i feel honoured? I expect the former is more accurate, but i’m going to go with the latter, as i’m a positive kind of person!

i only get 50 pennies for each book anyway, so haven’t quite made my 1st million yet. not even my 1st million pennies; now THAT i’d settle for!

it’s official, i’ve sold a total of 5297 books!

this is dearbob and lovejude sales added together (it sounds better that way) up to Dec 06.

52 million Harry Potter books have been sold, so i only have 51, 994703 to go until i reach such fame!

this fact aside, i’m actually quite chuffed. They were my 1st 2 novels after all, and my publishers didn’t spend many pennies on marketing, etc, bless ‘em (which was to be expected, and i don’t hold against them, honest!)

let’s face it, that’s 5297 MORE people that have read my books than would have done had i not had them published!

i have no idea how this compares to other christian book sales in the UK. I suspect big-wig names (nicky gumbel, matt redman and co) sell tons, but the rest of us lesser mortals…? who knows. Perhaps i’m way behind and better off not knowing!

a couple of days ago i went into our local secondary school and did 4 lessons in one day (year 9). I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nervous that morning that it was unreal… i couldn’t even stomach the chunk of choccie i always have after breakfast, which has never happened before!

they were RE lessons, and i was talking about my books, and why i wrote them, etc. Fortunately, a friend of mine (minster, late 20s) was doing ‘the tour’ with me, and he’d been before and knew what he was doing. He rapped! (and it was actually good, honest!)

i started the lesson by cutting his tie off, after quite a big build up with him telling them that he’d got it from his wife for xmas. They were so shocked it was fab! I then explained that i’d bought the tie the day before from a charity shop for 50p, and went on to talk about doubt and stuff… hopefully it all made sense to them!

i feel great for having made it thru the day; they were quite a tough audience to say the least, but they did respond quite well at times, and enjoyed the bit where i gave out chocolate!

i don’t think i’d do it again in a hurry tho… year 6, that i currently work with, are one thing… year 9 are on a totally different planet, one that i’d like to frequent only from time to time… like, say, every 20 years or so!

had this email, via my ‘dearbob’ site, the other day:

can i just say your book is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i’ve never read a christian book that was as down to earth, funny (had me laughin on the bus when reading, embarrassed my sis lol), inspiring and uncheesyish as yours. jude is truly a SC&O and someone i toally related to, at the beginning of book i was feeling exactly same as she was, kinda freaky lol but hey i dont believe in coincidences but the humour and amazingness of your book and how totally refreshing it was (+god) helped me just like jude was helped at the end. thanks for writin one of the best books i’ve ever read!!!!!!!!!!cannot wait to read the sequel!

from a ‘Becca’, who has given me permission to put it on my blog, btw!

yes, this is me showing off, but also demonstrating how much this sort of thing means to me… i have had plenty of such very similar emails from readers, and it spurs me on to write more… to know that what i’ve written has meant something to someone is surely the best reward ever!

a good job really, seeing as it hasn’t been financially rewarding in any sense whatsoever! (which i never expected it to be, thank goodness).